Having spent the last few portions of my life trying to remain relatively cool, calm and collected betwixt the pockets of justified madness, I now realise that nothing can make one feel more unhinged than having a child! Perhaps 'unhinged' smacks of the crazies a little - undone, unraveled, irrational, unreasonable? Nope, unhinged definitely cuts it! Here we are 13 days in and I've certainly been served an emotional initiation.
Whilst there are many facts out there on feeding, faeces, rashes, rumblings, nappies and nipples, no one prepared me for the overwhelming love I would feel for my child. To be overwhelmed with love sounds radiant and of course it's a joyous event but the word overwhelm can mean to bury or drown beneath a huge mass of something, this mass is bigger than me, has flooded every cell of me, broken me open for new light to pour in and also left me more vulnerable than ever before. There it is, the right word 'vulnerable', it's true that having a child is like carrying your heart around on the outside of your body, outside and exposed to the world and every element. I find myself now gifted with a new and glorious challenge, to love another human from a place of complete vulnerability, now try remaining relatively cool, calm and collected! Ha ha, What a trip!
So take one hormonal, love struck woman, post cesarean and throw DENGUE FEVER season at her and you get a murderous mosquito psychopath, capable of anything and nothing due to major surgery! On leaving the hospital to return home we bumped into some friends who had come in to be treated for Dengue Fever as apparently it's started to kick off in Ubud - home we go! Vulnerability meter soaring, if anything happened to my child I...... There are no words to finish this sentence, other than mum I'm sorry for getting annoyed with you for worrying about me, I'm sorry for the pain you must have felt every time I took risks with my own precious existence and I thank you for all the strength you've harnessed to love of me the way you have all these years, in the face of creepy guys, creepy crawlies, life and all its relentless inevitability!
We live opposite rice paddies, a feeding ground for mozzys, thus I have spent days now, a sniper on the battle ground, initiating mass mosquito genocide behind cloth barricades. Of course the moment arrived when one landed on Archies little head, unbearable! Archie fine, me inconsolable, not cool, nor calm and definitely not collected. Full of fear, I don't just want to kill them, I want them to suffer, can mosquitos suffer? Do they just cause suffering? I could drown them? Freeze them, pull off their legs, half squash them, fry them, boil them, suffocate them.....? Get a grip woman now is not the time in your life for bad karma! Now is the time to learn about love, complete, all consuming, unrelenting love, to remain strong in the face of it and able to navigate the tropics!
Thankfully Stuart managed to buy one of these life saving mosquito net/giant cake covers, in an Indonesian supermarket. I have been a lot saner since!
We leave Bali in 6 weeks for Thailand to live on the boat, less Dengue on the water! No less love though ❤️