New Dad's guide to chemical warfare

January 12, 2016


First things first changing nappies and dealing with nuclear fallout is not cool but it is your responsibility so toughen up princess and get to grips with it. Long gone are the days when your job was going out and snagging a sabre toothed tiger for supper. Long gone are the days when papa got back from work put the money on the table and put his feet up. NO my fellow brothers in shit we are the new generation and we're not wearing the trousers no more. In fact the other day I found myself sitting down on the toilet to take a wee. So to give yourself a degree of manilness about the home I've devised this combat ready way of nappy changing. Ye Haar.


Firstly know your opponant, study them, learn their moves for this is an important concept one which left me with egg on my face (Well it wasn't egg but I've gone to my happy memory place).


Secondly be prepared...this is chemical warfare you're dealing with so do not bring a spatular to a knife fight...You will lose. Wear correct protective clothing...go in quickly, decsively and with purpose else you'll get in a whole world of trouble. Don't pussy foot around soldier. Make sure your hands are clean. Have all the items you need ready to hand, its no good getting your opponant naked then realising you've forgotten the wipes and the new nappy is across the room. These little buggers can be deceptive moving faster than you think. Lay your opponant on a flat table and keep your hand on his stomach.


Thirdly...the difficult and potentially dangerous part lift your little shit machine up by his ankles and remove Fukoshima/Chernobyl fallout folding in once motion and placing under bum to save a cleaning mat. Obviously dirty sides inside...yep I f##ked that up Twice!!!..


Forthly using wipes (only for battle hardened veterans 6+ months) or water clean captive thoroughly. At this point watch out for covering water cannon fire...tip cover artilery gun with a cloth doing so means you can ditch the protective goggles I reconmend for first week nappy changes.


Fiftly lift captive once more slipping nappy underneath and secure.


Sixthly (is there a sixthly???) any number 6. Prepare for disposal with bomb disposal crew. Place all dirty wipes into toxic waste container and fold as tightly as possible and remove to cleaning station. If you're using disposalble nappies empty your bin daily for fear of toxic fume inhalation poisoning if you using washable nappies wash them soldier regularly. 


Lastly dress your opponant and decontaminate yourself and then wait for the sound of artillery fire starting again and repeat steps 1 to 6 in a never frigging ending battle...War's hell but someone's got to do it and it ain't Maddie (actually that's a fudge she does it and doesn't make the fuss I'm harping on about but where would be the stereotypical comedy in that ;-)...where the hell are my trousers. ;-)  






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